To Be Or Not To Be

I'm in a dilemma. I never imagined myself agonizing over the choice of a primary school for E since I've been rather nonchalant about the entire P1 registration saga.

I thought I knew what was best for him but I'm not too sure now. I'm having an identity crisis of sorts, feeling schizophrenic; some days I'm a laissez faire mum and on other days, a tiger mum so ferocious, it scares the daylights out of me!

I've always believed that he would thrive in a relaxed school environment, one which allowed him to develop at his own pace. I had every intention of avoiding "branded" schools like the plague. Even if one of them was just round the corner, a 5 minutes drive away.

But that was based on the assumption that attending a "branded" school is a horror story in the making for my active, free-spirited boy. I decided to put aside my bias stand and did some research on the school near my place. It seemed not too scary after all. Stuff I actually liked. Collaborative group work, learning centres (and I thought these only existed in pre-schools) with hands-on activities (very important for E as he is a kinesthetic learner) and apparently some kind of class allocation which discourages elitism in the students. And I've also got some feedback from student care centres about this particular school having a manageable homework load for the P1s and 2s.

My experience with E's kindergarten(s) makes the dilemma even more pronounced. E had been attending full day childcare since he was 3. It was not an academic-focused environment. The principal did not believe in plying the kids with worksheets and spelling was introduced only in K2. E switched to a kindergarten this year since I was now home with the kids. The kids in this kindergarten were spelling enthusiastically (pardon the sarcasm) since K1. The environment was one that emphasized P1 readiness. It was a culture shock for both E and I.

The first month or so was stressful not just for E but for this generally laid-back mum. E was not used to spelling as he didn't experience it at his childcare centre. We were spending so much time learning spelling that it became this hateful thing we both dreaded! The poor boy had nightmares. He recounted one in which he dropped his vocabulary book (where the kids wrote their weekly spelling list) in the water. He said he was very scared because he couldn't retrieve it. And there was another rather amusing incident (on hindsight) when we were at my grandma's place. I lost my temper over how slow he was at getting the words right. I was told later that he actually approached his uneducated great grandma and pleaded with her to help him with his spelling!

He soon got the hang of spelling and actually liked it. To my surprise. In fact, he became highly motivated in learning spelling. He would remind me about the dates and request to be tested! This goes to show that he can thrive in a competitive environment but I'm not sure if the value reinforced during this process is one which I want to inculcate in my child. I feel that competitiveness simply for the sake of doing better than others is a deterrent to meaningful learning which springs from child-like curiosity.

He's now in another kindergarten. It was a difficult decision pulling him out and it had nothing to do with academics. He was coping well with schoolwork. Well, he did get complaints about being inattentive; which was expected since his personality wasn't made for conventional classroom learning.

He had anger issues at the previous school. There were repeated incidents which triggered angry outbursts. I found it strange because he didn't behave like that at home. These outbursts occurred because he felt he was being unfairly treated. Being more boisterous than the rest, he tends to get singled out even if he wasn't at fault. From my conversations with him, I figured he was feeling grossly misunderstood but did not know how to express his frustration. The last straw came when I was shown a video of him struggling and crying hysterically while a few teachers held him down so that the form teacher could film him misbehaving. I was told that I needed to be given visual evidence of his misdemeanour! Well, he exploded only because he knew he was being filmed and that video was going to be shown to me.

Despite all the drama, he still enjoyed going to school. He enjoyed the friendships in school so I wasn't too sure about uprooting him just after 2 terms and having him adapt to a new school environment for the next 2 terms. And I didn't want him to think that he could change schools whenever he faced some kind of challenge. Happiness does not always follow the path of least resistance. Resilience is one value I hope to inculcate in him so I didn't want to convey the wrong message by withdrawing him. But I was also very concerned about his self-esteem being battered (at such a young age). A friend said that there will be plenty of opportunities for him to experience the "cruel" world so get him out of there! And I did!  

His current kindergarten is very different from the previous one. It adopts a play-based approach to learning. The emphasis was on hands-on activities, cultivating a love for reading and creative writing. He had no problems adapting since he loved making new friends. He enjoyed school as usual but what I noticed was diminished motivation in completing his homework, learning spelling. I suppose it's because the new school is laid-back in the academic sense as compared to the previous one.

Let's just say I had the privilege of seeing him in two completely different school settings and now am confused as to whether putting him in a more relaxed school setting will result in me raising an underachiever. I'm not talking solely in terms of academic results but an underachiever mindset which has him choosing the easy way out and this applies to all of life.

But I am also not too convinced about supposedly healthy competition which makes one strive for excellence. What is the motivation for excellence? The line between doing your best and doing better than others is often blurred.

Perhaps the major determinant are the teachers, but I have absolutely no control over that. Caring, dedicated teachers who rise above the academic hoo-hah and see the child as a whole person needing to be guided, nurtured and affirmed. Teachers who can engage, manage and inspire kids like E. We have been praying for teachers like that to be in E's life.

Will I find teachers like that in a top school or will they be driven to deliver drool-worthy academic results at the expense of a child's love for learning and self-esteem. I guess it won't be fair for me to stereotype teachers in top schools.

Maybe I'm thinking too much. I'm terrible at decision making because I think of far too many permutations. My hubby says it doesn't really matter which school as long as E is learning. That's the pragmatist speaking and I, the idealist am still mulling over the options!

Anyway, there's no guarantee of a place even though we live less than 1km away. Balloting is required. So maybe I should cast my lot and leave the result in the hands of God. The other school I'm considering (the one with a more relaxed culture but is a half an hour school bus ride away) will most likely not require balloting so even if E doesn't get a place in the first school, he'll still be able to get a place in the second school. Is that how I should do it?

I'm still more comfortable with making a decision based on convictions. Unfortunately, my convictions are a little messed up now and I need some clarity. And I've got less than a week to sort through this mental maze!