I felt a teeny weeny urge to write so I thought I should seize this fleeting moment before this post gets put on the backburner. And this post must see the light of day as it is about a very significant milestone. E's 6th birthday.
There I got a few sentences out. I think half the battle is won. I should be able to finally finish writing this overdue post (his birthday was more than a week ago).
6 years ago, I was a hapless mum of one. It was a surreal experience at the beginning. Then it morphed into a gut wrenching, tears spilling, emotional roller coaster kind of a journey.
Motherhood. The blues. The guilt. I wasn't quite ready.
It took me almost a year to fully embrace motherhood. I loved my baby boy intensely but I was struggling with conflicting emotions. It didn't help that E was not an easy baby. And with the onset of the terrible twos, he was literally quite the terror!
But I was also captivated. I remember telling my hubby that if we were to have another kid, I want a baby boy. Boys are cute in a rough and tumble kind of way. I couldn't imagine having a whiny, girly gal.
Now that I have Baby C, a paradigm shift is unavoidable. Girls are melt your heart adorable!
And I've since learned that boys whine.
And I've since learned that boys whine.
Even at 6 years of age.
Well, the point is I was so in love with my little boy tot that I felt only boys could make me feel this way.
And now he is 6. He'll attend big kids school next year. I'll have less time with him. Yes, I gripe about him wearing me out with his persistent, strong-willed personality and secretly wish that I can distance myself from him when he pushes the wrong buttons. But I know I'll miss having him by my side when I have to let go and allow him to grow into his own.
So for now, I'll cherish the moments we have together.
To my darling E, I love it when you give me a hug and say "I love you" at seemingly inopportune times (like when you are in the middle of a computer game). I think you take after your dad in this aspect (the man asked me to be his girlfriend at the carpark and proposed to me in front of the library).
Do you remember the time I slammed the car door and your thumb got caught. It was swollen and bloody and you were wailing like crazy. I felt so incredibly bad. When the teacher asked you about it, you said you don't want to talk about it anymore because mummy already apologized. It was as if you were protecting me although I caused you harm.
I'm glad you have not outgrown kisses. How you'll gladly give me a kiss when I ask for one and smile shyly when I kiss you back. You love for daddy and I to read you bedtime stories, tuck you in bed and sleep beside you. And when we get up to go, you always say "why so fast"?
You adore your sister. Just the other day, you protected her from another boy who was trying to push her whilst they were playing. And on several occasions, you asked me where mei mei was when you didn't see her; and told me not to lose her. When she smiles at you, you are delighted. When you thought she learned how to say your name, you rushed into the room to tell me; your face beaming with excitement and pride.
You are a sensitive, affectionate boy at heart. I apologize for the times I forget. For yelling at you before seeking to understand you. I need to constantly look beneath the loud and boisterous exterior. To unearth the treasure within.
Our desire is for you to live life passionately, to be undefeated by setbacks and to aspire to purposes beyond your wildest imagination. God is your advocate and confidante. Know that you have a godly heritage and the legacy that you leave behind as you walk intimately with God will be one that impacts lives, communities and even nations.
You will always have a special place in my heart. Even when you are all grown up, I'll look back with nostalgia at our mother and son exploits, experiences that are uniquely ours. Happy Birthday, my boy - from one captivated mama.
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| Birthday celebration in school |
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| Birthday celebration in church |
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| E's idea of a memorable birthday is one spent with favourite friends. On the way to ExplorerKid with Uncle Gerald, Jet and Shaun |
Hi Jocelyn,
ReplyDeleteDropping by from SMB on FB...
I totally understand the bitter sweet moments. I remember not knowing how I'm going to survive the 1st month, and now that my son is 14 months old, I look at him and wonder: "Where did my baby go?" with more than a twinge of sadness.
I want to still feel needed, and now that the boy is more mobile, there are times when he wants to assert his independence and not want to be held or helped. I live for the moments when he curls up against me to sleep, and gives me the random hug and surrenders his body on mine when he's tired.
They try our patience, we have to contend with meltdowns, and love the moments that make us melt. They grow up too fast, too soon.
Hahaha you got me laughing at your proposal story. Talk about unexpected! :)
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to E!
AIYOH so sweet...how can one not want a kid??????!!! Co2h
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your precious thoughts and feelings. Reading about Ethan when he was younger reminds me of Isabelle (not being an easy baby, terrible twos, etc) and I could identify with the conflicting emotions (especially being an almost full-time stay-home mum).
ReplyDeleteYes, but that does not stop us to continue moulding them in God's ways. I think you & Francis have done a wonderful job so far in setting a strong spiritual foundation in the lives of Ethan & Chloe =) That will definitely be manifested in the many years to come.
Blessed belated birthday Ethan and kudos to a wonderful mum =))
Hi Regina, my daughter is just a month older than your son. So the early months of feeling really stretched is still fresh on my mind. But what seemed like endless days and nights then, now appears to be fleeting moments.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm learning to embrace every stage with its bittersweet moments. Cos the kids will be a year older and another and another in a blink of an eye!
June: Unexpected and kind of weird :) I tell him that he owes me an improved version! I'm still waiting for some sort of romantic declaration haha
ReplyDeleteCoco: YES! I'm sure you will have a brood of your own to enjoy :)
ReplyDeleteHi Karen, thanks for the affirmation :) I guess we mums are more resilient than we think. When it comes to our kids, our threshold for endurance increases exponentially!
ReplyDeleteAnd of course, we can't do it without complete dependence on God.
It's not easy especially when you first start out. I lasted 9 months the first time round. And now, I've been at it for 15 months. So it gets better with practise :)
You are doing a great job too and your kids are truly blessed because of the decision you made to be with them for most part of the day.
Let's continue to encourage each other on our journey as mums!
Happy birthday E!
ReplyDeleteI too will be glad when my girl doesn't stop kissing me.. Without me asking her to! Haha